The coming out process for a GLBT (gay, lesbian, bisexual, transgender) adolescent can be a challenging moment for not only the teenager, but also their family and friends. It is a time of high emotions that can run the gamut from confusion, shock, disbelief, rejection, and anger, to acceptance, calmness, understanding, and concern. It is important at this potentially fragile time for parents and teens to be kind to each other and create room for this new information and identity to be processed.
Adolescence is a time when feelings and thoughts of sexuality become intense and confusing. For many gay teens, feeling different from their friends creates a pressure to fit in and keep their sexual orientation secret. They can fear rejection, discrimination and even violence. It is important to create a space of safety and acceptance for them to better understand their feelings.
The process of coming out usually starts with the sharing of feelings with a close friend or family member. Although coming out is a normal step in the development of a gay or lesbian adolescent, many different issues can come to the forefront for your child including:
• Questioning their sexual identity. Am I gay, lesbian, or bisexual?
• Who can I trust in this process?
• Will my family and friends accept this new information?
• Am I ready to be sexually active?
• Will I be safe sharing this information with others?
With all of these questions and others filling a gay teen’s thoughts, it may be challenging to come out in a well thought out and structured manner. The coming out conversation may be a reaction to other issues or may be presented in a confrontational manner.
As parents it is important to create a supportive environment for your gay or lesbian teen to speak about what’s going on with them. It is just as hard for them to share this new identity with you as they are still often questioning their own perspectives. When your teenager shares that the are gay, lesbian, or bisexual:
• Try to stay calm. This is probably a moment of shock for all of you. Leave space for it to sink in without having to react immediately.
• Let them know that you understand how hard this conversation is for them.
• Don’t expect them to have all the answers about what it means to be gay for them.
• Know that your own personal beliefs may be challenged in this moment but it is still the same child whom you love sitting across from you.
• Consider family therapy or individual therapy with a qualified counselor who works with gay teens and their families during the coming out process.
• If you have questions about their sexuality, educate yourself. The Internet is a great source of information on the subject. There are also many books available on the subject. Most cities also have a local chapter of PFLAG (Parents & Friends of Lesbians And Gays), which offers a variety of resources and information.
A challenge for parents in being available for their gay teens coming out process is being able to express and address their own fears, concerns, and emotional experience. Parents have often projected a future dream of weddings, grandchildren and traditional development for their child. Realizing that this dream may not come about in the manner they anticipated can shake parents up and bring many questions to the forefront.
Parents may need help for themselves while going through the coming out process with their gay or lesbian teenager. Working with a therapist who specializes in assisting gay teens and their families can be of benefit in relieving parent’s fears and stress. Therapy also provides a forum for parents to ask questions and gather information, while easing their emotional distress.
One of the biggest concerns of any teen in the process of coming out is whether their parents will accept them for who they are. Listen to their feelings as they share this new part of themselves. Although it may feel uncomfortable for all of you at first, an acceptance of their newly shared identity can develop over time creating a stronger family and a more open relationship based on truth and understanding.
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This beautiful piece of wisdom was recently sent to me by a friend of mine. As we enter into the new year this seems like a great perspective to carry with us during trying times.
Become a Lake
An aging Hindu master grew tired of his apprentice complaining,
and so, one morning, sent him for some salt. When the apprentice
returned, the master instructed the unhappy young man to put a handful
of salt in a glass of water and then to drink it.
“How does it taste?” the master asked.
“Bitter,” spit the apprentice.
The master then asked the young man to take another handful of salt and
put it in the lake nearby. Once the apprentice swirled his handful of salt
in the water, the old man said, “Now drink from the lake.”
As the water dripped down the young man’s chin, the master asked, “How
does it taste?”
“Fresh,” remarked the apprentice.
“Do you taste the salt?” asked the master.
“No,” said the young man.
At this, the master took the young man’s hands, offering, “The pain of life
is pure salt; no more, no less. The amount of pain in life remains exactly
the same. However, the amount of bitterness we taste depends on the
container we put the pain in. So when you are in pain, the only thing you
can do is to enlarge your sense of things . . .
STOP BEING A GLASS. BECOME A LAKE.” |
As the New Year opens ahead we find ourselves bubbling up with great ideas of the things we want to do in our lives. And yet as the year progresses we find that we lose focus and little ever seems to happen or change. The things you dream of don’t seem to be appearing in your life.
There’s a little secret to getting some of these dreams to come true. YOU have to make them happen. It is easy to sit back and come up with ideas but those ideas have to be implemented with a plan of action to make them come to life. The energy of manifesting will inform the universe of what you desire in your life.
The other part of the equation is to take the steps that are necessary to implement those desires. Small steps are the most doable so break your dream down into small increments and tackle part of the solution every day.
Small steady steps can often have larger payoffs than grand gestures.
Give yourself the freedom to dream both large and small but also be willing to take the actions necessary to make those dreams come true.
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Not to long ago, I was asked to teach a stress management workshop for the students at a highly competitive private school. As I prepared for the class I began to connect with how extremely stressed out many of today’s teenagers are and how much pressure is put on them to succeed. In working with teens I am reminded on a daily basis of how much information is available to them and how this constant stream of stimuli from TV, the internet, texting, and interaction with other teens is forcing
adolescents to assume adult stress at a young age. It seems as if there is very little room just to be a kid.
In this workshop we worked on breathing techniques, guided imagery, muscular relaxation, and meditation. It was amazing to see how each of the kids had their own unique experience of the various techniques with each of them finding a stress relieving method that worked well for them. Watching how much tension and anxiety they where all able to let go of made me realize that these techniques are a valuable tool that we can share with teens to give them the tools necessary to enjoy growing up.
Sharing mind-body relaxation techniques can create space for a teenager to be a kid again and release the stress of success without letting go of the ability to do their best.
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It seems like the world is in such a rush these days with
anxiety and worry being at the forefront of the emotional tsunami that is threatening to overwhelm much of our sanity. And yet this is just another moment.
When we look back over the course of our life experience we will recognize that it is composed of a collection of moments, each one woven together to create the fabric of who we are today. But not one of those events is any greater than the next. Sure, we may attach importance to them, but in the larger picture none of these moments has more value than the next.
The skill of patience will allow us to connect to each moment as it happens without using the filters of past stories to cloud our vision. Take time to taste life, see the small steps along the way that make up the big picture, make room for your entire life story to be lived.
And when some tells you to hurry up, invite them to take a break with you and enjoy the moment that you two can share together.
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