and what will you find on the cover? You will find eternally youthful sultry men with perfectly sculpted, hairless bodies who owe as much to the industry’s photo retouchers as they do to their personal trainers. Looking at these glaring moody images, it seems that these models’ only care is to remind you how unattainable they are.
Turn the pages and look deeper into those magazines and you will find page after page of the same, from the ads to the editorial, it is easy to see how what is referred to as mainstream gay culture is obsessed with youth. The message is that in order to take your much-coveted place in the heart of the gay scene, you should be hot, you should be fit, but most of all, you must be young. This is what you should aspire to. Deviation is not encouraged. This isn’t such a big deal when you’re twenty-something with hormones raging and the right combination of hair products and distressed denim are all you need to get by. But what happens when that armor of youth begins to fade? Aging is unavoidable. But for many gay men, the transition is not a graceful one. Difficulty facing the reality of aging is nothing new. All one has to do is look at the nipped, tucked, sucked and stretched faces in Hollywood to know that the fight against the passing years is an age-old battle…literally. But gay male culture seems to have taken an even more extreme stand against aging. For many, aging brings with it a fear of no longer being relevant or noticed. But in the gay scene, those who are perceived as “old” are not just marginalized, they are often met with contempt, disgust and disdain. For those on the outside, it seems like a disproportionate reaction but from the moment you enter the urban gay scene, you are automatically initiated into a culture where there is no worse fate in the world than to be that guy who is just a bit too old to be at the club, just a bit too old to be giving the eye to the young boys who are entitled to be there because they still wear the mantle of youth.
The label of “troll”, given to those poor souls who, in the eyes of the gay scene gods, have overstayed their welcome at the party, reflects the cruelty and force with which they are looked down upon. Of Course, this is a cannibalistic culture because sooner or later those same boys who snarl and sneer at that guy will inevitably join him one day in exile. This harsh cycle breeds an array of emotional challenges to the mental well-being of those who get caught up in it. It is not easy to be told that you no longer have a place in what you thought was your own community, that you have been relegated to the sidelines.
The negativity that can arise from being ostracized from the community that assisted you in defining your gay identity can feed thoughts of depression, despair, and self-loathing. It can be challenging to feel good about yourself when the message from the culture you identify with worships transient qualities that you can only ever hold onto for a brief time. It is a cruel irony after going through the trauma of coming out, fighting through the bigotry faced by most gay adolescents, and meeting the challenges inherent in being part of a marginalized minority that the final blow would come from within, from the very people who should be embracing and protecting you.
If you can’t stop the aging process, although many people try, then you have to learn to come to terms with it and create a new identity. You can focus on the positive attributes you have developed over the years and learn to accept the wisdom you have attained from the experiences of your life. As Kathy Bates character says in the movie Fried Green Tomatoes when faced with the hubris of youth “Face it girls, I’m older and I have more insurance” The establishment and connection to a network of friends and reaching out into the community beyond the scene can relieve loneliness and depression. Finding personal passions and interests can relieve isolation and create the space for new friendships to develop as well.
We have the choice as a gay community to learn to value and honor age. There is choice for each and every gay man as he ages not to hide away from the process of aging but to embrace it and learn the lessons that are offered along the way. The real act of growing up, not necessarily growing old, occurs when one realizes that his true value does not lie in his list of tricks, his designer wardrobe or his ability to turn heads as he struts through a bar. It occurs when he realizes that his value lies in his capacity to give and share and nurture, in whatever form that may take.
The fear of aging can cause more chaos than the actual process of aging itself. Letting go of an unreasonable desire to remain young will allow you to ease into a more mature version of yourself, giving you an entirely unique set of opportunities to grow and learn. Releasing the fear of what might happen and instead embracing the exciting process that life has to offer allows you to discover entirely new facets of yourself, facets that you can shape and polish into our own ideal world.
If wine grows better with age, so can gay men. You can find comfort in the camaraderie of friends who are aging along with you. You can make the transition from being a slave to the latest Gaultier mesh hot pants and instead, show that you are a timeless classic like Valentino.
